Trying to breathe
by Kirea-K
Summary: Set after episode 6.09, after the arrival of the new Cardio surgeon and her revelation to Owen that she has feelings for him. I'm happy to read any comments you might have!


She looked at them through the glass panes. They were working together, shoulder against shoulder, and she couldn't really point it out, but something was amiss.

She had had that feeling for the whole week Teddy Altman had been there. She had been unable to explain it; but she had the impression that something had changed from day 1.

On Teddy's first day she had asked Owen about their history, and she had believed him when he had told her that there was nothing; that they were just friends. But now, she wasn't sure any longer. She couldn't ask Owen again, he would resent her doubting his world, and she knew he would never lie to her… and somehow she new something was wrong. Something had changed in the air since her arrival. Could Owen be developing feelings for her cardio goddess? It couldn't be… the mere thought made her stomach ache. No, that couldn't be true. She knew he liked her, but Owen would never have brought someone he was attracted to as a present to her. That wouldn't make sense. However… she had this gut feeling that something was wrong.

And then she saw it. She saw him flinch away the moment Teddy put a hand on his shoulder. She saw her remove her hand as if she had just realized it. That was not the same comfort they had shared the day she met Altman. Back then they had touched without any discomfort or sexual tension. This was tense, and then pained look in his eyes made her want to vomit. Owen was definitely feeling something there. Thinking about it, why not? Teddy was a better surgeon than she was. She was strong but not aggressive, she was a nice person, and had past in common with Owen. Besides, Owen had been together with Beth, so he liked blonde Barbies… she would be a better match for Owen than she was.

God, he was falling for her. Surely it wasn't intentional; even then she couldn't believe Owen would have planed this. But… all she wanted to do right now was to go away, to crawl under a rock and lick her wounds. She thought it had hurt when Burke had left, but this... this was so much pain! The idea of Owen drifting away from her took her breath away. It was true what she had told him once "I can't breathe without you". Now, leaning against the wall, with tears threatening to flood down her face, she new how true those words were.

She thought about running away, hiding for a while, at least until she got herself together. He was about to leave her, she just knew. She knew that he would never cheat on her, and having feelings for Teddy, he would leave her. He would probably feel guilty about it, and it might take him long to do it, but at the end… She knew it would break her heart; that she would have to recover… but how would she recover watching them together every day? She felt her heart racing.

She didn't know how long it took for Owen and Teddy to finish the procedure, and for him to leave the exam room. She hadn't moved a muscle during that time, and she had somehow lost the notion of time. She saw him smile at her and approach, but she could not face him right now. She needed time to recover; to plan her way out. So, she suddenly recovered the movement of her limbs and hurried through the ER doors into the freezing winter wind of the ambulance bay.

********

He was getting out of the exam room. He hated the situation with Teddy. He was really sorry about the whole mess; he would have found another cardio surgeon under a rock if he had known Teddy had feelings for him. Damned Teddy! After such a long time, why had she needed to blurt them on him like that? Now he was feeling uncomfortable with her. Just minutes earlier he had jumped at her touch. It had been awkward. He did not want to give her false hopes, so, he was on a strict non-touch basis with her. And she had noticed his jumping away, and he had seen her hurt. He felt like crap.

The only good thing about the whole situation was that Cristina was happy and learning. He lifted his sight and couldn't help a smile when he saw Cristina at the end of the corridor. He began walking towards her, still smiling, when something weird happened. She saw him, looked at him with a hurt look in her eyes, and turned around to exit through the ER doors.

For some seconds he froze. What? He knew he had been acting strange, and had the feeling that Cristina might be getting suspicious, but he really didn't know what to do. If he told her about Teddy, things would get even weirder. But if he didn't, it might get her upset. What a mess.

He took a deep breath and followed her outside.

"Cristina…"

"Don't dare saying a word Owen!.. I might be insensitive, but I am not oblivious… I've had this feeling in my gut the whole week that there was something amiss between you and Teddy. I thought that I was going crazy, and that I had to trust you, when you said there was nothing between you. But I have just seen you in there. That wasn't nothing! So, ditch me and go after her! The sooner, the better! I don't care!"

"Cristina" he said trying to calm her down "it's not what you think!" He didn't really know what to tell her without making things even more strained at work.

"Didn't you jump at her touch?" She snapped back.

"Yes, but.." he was about to give a further explanation when the doors opened and a group of ER nurses came out for a break. Seeing as Cristina was turning around and getting away from him, he grabbed her elbow and saying "not here". He steered her to next on call room and locked the door. She immediately went to the other side of the room and crossed her arms in front of her chest.

"Listen Cristina, I know last week it has been weird, but I cannot let you think there is something romantic going on between Teddy and me"

He looked at her face and new he wasn't doing it right. He could feel she was mad and hurt, trying her best not to break down. He knew that even if he wanted to respect Teddy's privacy, he could not leave Cristina in the dark; she could say she didn't care, but she obviously did. Thank God she did, he thought on a side line. She knew him too well. She could see him, and it would make things look worst if he didn't come clean on her.

He told her about his conversation with Teddy on her first day, and how it had surprised him. How he had felt between the proverbial rock and wall the whole week, not wanting to hurt Teddy, feeling guilty about her, but also knowing that she was a good teacher for Cristina. How his week had been hell, and how he wasn't still sure how to get out of the situation. He had been waking towards her during his speech. She had kept staring at the ground, but she looked up as he caressed her face with his thumb. Confusion still showing in her face.

"Right now the only thing clear for me is that I love you Cristina, and that hurting you is the last thing I would like to do. Sorry I haven't handled it better. I didn't want you to be uncomfortable with Teddy."

"Those had been amongst the worst minutes of my life… and I hate it. There are days when I hate what you do to me" she said walking away from him and pacing up and down the room. She was mad at herself, mad at her own feelings driving her crazy. "I should leave you right now!"

"Wait, what are you talking about? Why would you leave me?" He asked, panic running through his veins... maybe she hadn't believed him. "I've told you! I just feel bad about her!"

"I'm not mad at you! I'm not even mad at her!" And that really got him confused, so, he waited for her to elaborate. "I cannot blame her for falling for you, I couldn't help it either. Would be calling the kettle black! The only difference between us is that I got lucky and you ended up being with me… but I might have ended up being the girl looking at you longingly from afar" she said, her voice lowering. She sat took a deep breath and sat down in the corner of the cot.

"But… why are you talking about breaking up?" he said sitting down at her size and taking her hand in his.

Her voice was a low whisper when she answered "Because now the thought of you leaving me hurts like hell!... fifteen minutes ago I wanted to vomit, but it seems to get worse everyday… today you are not leaving me, but I cannot just sit around waiting for the day you do. And you will…everyone does…" she just couldn't continue.

Her fears shocked him into silence. It broke his heart to see her so raw and vulnerable; knowing she was hurting, but unable to find the right words to make her feel better.

He sighed and he put an arm around her shoulders, bringing her closer. He couldn't think what to tell her to make her understand that he was not going anywhere. Whatever he might tell her would probably not be enough to get over her insecurities, so, he just kissed her. He kissed her letting all the emotions free into the kiss. He was a man of few words, and right now his heart was aching seeing her suffer.

She couldn't help wrapping her arms around his neck, and kissing him back.

"I do not know what to tell you to make you feel better Cristina. If I thought that a ring would make you feel safe, I would be storming out through that door to buy you one. I would marry you tomorrow if that made you happy" And the shock in her face made him smile.

"I told you once I wanted to be around 40 yeas from now… and I stand to that promise. I want to be around 40, 50 or 60 years from now…you are the woman I want to get old with. But life comes with no promises, or assurances, and you know it. I know how I feel today, but you know nobody can tell how we will be feeling in 5 or 10 years. We have both seen too much to believe in reassurances or fairy tales, so, you wouldn't believe me if I did make promises to you… but what I can tell you is that I am ready to fight for what we have. I am ready to work on being together every day. Because I cannot breathe without you and because facing life without you seems unworthy." He made a pause for some seconds, trying to find the right words to convince her of his seriousness, before he continued.

"I need you to fight for it Cristina. I need you to trust me. I need you doing half of the effort, and not giving up on us. This is like learning to be a Cardio-God. We learn about each other every day, and it makes us better together" He continued, with her still wrapped in his strong arms, and kissing the top of her head. "Today, I have learnt that you can get scared. So, I have to find a way to make you feel safe. Trust that I will not leave you, that I want to be here as long as you will let me. I know it is difficult, but will you try?"

"I will try" she said looking up at him, after some seconds.

"Will you come home with me?.. please" he asked, placing a sweet kiss on her lips, and she smiled as she answered with a clear "yes" still convinced that there would be trouble ahead, but willing to take the chance.


End file.
